Unforced Change
Don’t hate me. I am one of those people who, when I first started college, actually LOST the “freshman 15” rather than gained them. I was so out of my comfort zone, so stressed and anxious, I wouldn’t go down to the dorm cafeteria for lunch or breakfast by myself: I was never THAT hungry to expose myself to all those new people and sit alone at a table. Eating was just not that important.
Although I roomed with someone from my high school, we were very different and in completely disparate majors. I was pretty much thrust out in the world on my own like I’d never been before. Anything was possible, I could become anyone I wanted. This kind of opportunity was never mine before. It was a door I didn’t know was unlocked, let alone right in front of me.
When I changed my major to landscape architecture in my second year, I still didn’t know who I wanted to be, but I entered that first design class like I did. I had heard the phrase, “Fake it, ‘til you make it,” and I completely put on a persona that wasn’t mine at the moment. I walked tall and proud into that room like I owned it, like I was smarter than all the other 15 students in the classroom. I must have come across as arrogant and snooty, but I had decided I was going to act confident and smart and not portray the frightened mouse ready to scamper away at the slightest acknowledgement of me (the me that actually walked through that door).
Have you ever put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, gone to a new event by a group you did not belong to but looked really fun, put yourself out there because you knew you needed to expand your horizons? Have you ever been forced to start a new life due to some unforeseen life event?
Although my new college experience was not one of life’s most stressful events (death of a loved one, divorce, moving, long-term illness, job loss), it was completely foreign to me, and I had to figure out how to navigate a whole new world.
But my question is: why does it take a stressful event—often a negative one that we don’t want or can’t anticipate—to force us to change? I know, I know, some events don’t give us a choice and we must get a new job, downsize to a new home, face a life without a significant other, or otherwise live in a way that is foreign (and upsetting) to us.
I’ve read too many (and know personally) stories of people whose life was upended by such an event, but in some way--known or subconsciously--they needed or longed for a change in their life situation. A cheating husband compelling a divorce in an unhappy marriage. A death of a loved one motivating a long-yearned-for solo trip on the Camino de Santiago. A move opening up a whole new world of interest and excitement.
Why does it often take a big life change to push us over the edge, bring out our true self or find a new path? Don’t we have that inside us all the time, at any moment? Aren’t those doors available to us and (slightly ajar) right in front of us at all times?
I don’t want a death of a loved one to force me to reexamine my life. I don’t want it to take a divorce or other relationship crisis to compel me to start living like I truly want. If you’re like me, you like your comfort zone, your routine, but at the same time, long for something different (even just a little) but are too comfortable in the comfort to peer over that rut (gold-plated or other) and see exciting opportunities or new discoveries waiting for you.
Like my college experience, how can you “fake it, ‘til you make it” and push yourself out of your comfort zone to be the person or have the life you really want? Similar to suggestions in my Borrowing Confidence post, you might try this:
1. Think of the person you want to be or a hero you admire and wish to be more like. What are the qualities you admire and want to embody for yourself? For me walking into that design class, I wanted to be a leader, wanted to be confident and wanted to be outgoing, so I pretended. I wasn’t really faking: it was someone I knew was there inside me waiting for an opportunity to show up. I just pretended she was already there.
2. Think of that person you want to be, the feeling you have in that moment, in that situation and feel—really feel—what it means to be there. What are the sights, the smells, the physical sensations of that situation, that person you want to be? Be there for just a moment and remember that feeling and name it. My blissful, confident self I want to be at any moment is “Open Flower”—arms overhead, head toward the sun, stretching out to soak in the warmth. When I am in an uncomfortable situation, or fearful and unsure, I bring forth “Open Flower” and am confident, sure of myself and calm.
3. Embodying your “Open Flower,” --the person you want to be--what is a baby step you can take toward the person/life you want to live? Let your “Open Flower” give you the confidence, strength and courage to move forward toward a more satisfying life.
“Open Flower” has allowed me to step out of the comfort zone I didn’t even know existed, given me confidence to stretch just a little bit further than I normally would, say “yes” to unfamiliar and untried events and activities that harbor the slightest intrigue for me.
