Attachment Stress

Quiz for today:

Which of the following statements are valid definitions of the word “Stress”?
a) A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances
b) Feeling troubled or threatened by life
c) Importance attached to a thing
d) All the above
e) Only a and b above

The correct answer? d) All the above. (Don’t believe me? Look them up: the Oxford Dictionary, the World Health Organization and Dictionary.com, respectively.)

While these may all be true, “Importance attached to a thing,” is the most surprising and interesting, at least for me.

Why would “Importance attached to a thing” be called “stress?” Think about it: when things don’t go our way, when a situation occurs we don’t like, don’t expect, or triggers some past wound, our mind goes into “RED ALERT” mode, resulting in reactions from slightly elevated blood pressure to hyperventilation or maybe unexpected rage. Let’s face it: we like things to happen the way we like them, the way we want them to, the way we expect.

On autopilot, our minds are wired to avoid change and, when challenged, create a stress response that leads to a fight, flight, fright, flee, freeze or fawn reaction.

That’s what is meant by “Importance attached to a thing.” We place WAY too much importance on how we WANT events to unfold, how we WANT the world to be, how we WANT people around us to act.

I am a self-confessed rule-follower. There are LOTS of ways I WANT events, the world and other people to be. I like to follow the rules and I like (expect) others to do the same.

There is a lovely man in my neighborhood who walks his dog on the street but on the wrong side of the road, with traffic. (I was taught that pedestrians are to walk facing traffic so an automobile driver and the pedestrian can make eye contact and more easily avoid colliding. You can protest this, prove me wrong a hundred ways, but that is still going to be my rule to be followed.)

My problem is I’m attached to this rule and when walking my dogs on the correct side of the road, facing traffic, and I meet up with this gentleman, my blood boils. Someone is breaking a rule. And because I have one borderline psychotic canine, there will be no sniff-wag greeting with this man’s pooch: I have to move to the wrong side of the road myself. (Can you feel the angst?!)

So, what’s a human to do? Glad you asked.

The short answer? Stand in your values. Remember what is really important in your life, how you want to engage with the world, and come back to that. Let your values guide decision-making when faced with a stressful situation or when something doesn’t go your way, the way you THINK it should.

Remind yourself, “How much actual control do I have over the situation that just occurred, the person in front of me, or the painful memory that keeps popping up?” (Very little, it turns out.)

When I meet this moseying gentleman in the roadway, here’s how my rule-following self wants to react: I want to shake my finger, share the “rules according to Tracy,” and “educate” him with self-righteous indignation, surely leading to immediate behavior change and neighborhood peace. This would give an outlet for my “Importance attached to a thing” response and might make me feel a little better in the moment, but I don’t want to be that neighbor, I don’t want to show up in the world that way.

When hooked by stressful thoughts or feelings, we are disengaged, distracted, unfocused. And when we do things in an unfocused way, we often do them poorly, are unable to enjoy the activity, and we feel dissatisfied.

The next time you let “Importance attached to a thing” interfere in your life, try this:

1.  Remember your values, what’s important in your life, how you want to be in the world. (If this is new to you, keep these at the ready, on a notecard, a screenshot you can easily access on your phone.)

2.  Ask yourself:
a. “How can my actions support my values?”
b. “In the role I’m playing in this situation, who do I want to be?”

3.  Now move TOWARD your values, not away from them.

For me, I know I want to show up as kind and empathetic to other people. At the roadside potential meet and greet, I have to calm my rule-following ego, kindly move to the other side of the road, wave to my neighbor and smile. Turning toward my values of kindness and empathy for others in this moment, helps me choose what’s right over what’s easy (or egoically instinctual, like fighting).

What are you placing “stress” on? What are you placing so much importance on that if it goes awry, your world just might fall apart (or at least your afternoon)?

We all do it, and it’s called self-imposed suffering (A quiz for another day…).