“Yeah, but…”

"If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you can’t.”

I think I first heard this from my high school basketball coach who I realized, in hindsight, was trying to teach us gangly, awkward teenage girls some life lessons. At the time, we just thought he was strange: nobody talked to us like that. He was tough on us. He didn’t cut us much slack. At one practice I remember hyperventilating in the hot, stuffy gym—actually breathing into a brown paper bag—and Coach’s impatient look. It wasn’t that he was insensitive (although my teammates might disagree with me); he was waiting for me to recover, get over the physical hurdle, start over again. I was the team captain, and he needed me to keep moving.

I could have quit practice that day. I could have used the excuse, “But I can’t breathe. This is too hard.” It wasn’t the first time this had happened. I remember watching members of the wrestling team breathe through those paper bags, so I knew I wasn’t dying.

Life can be hard all around. Some of life’s moments can be even harder. The bottom line is what are you going to use as an excuse not to move forward, keep moving, lean into your dreams and desires?

I remember mentoring a student at Pace Center for Girls several years ago who loved to sing in her church choir. I’ll call her Anna. You could tell it was her passion; Anna’s whole body lit up when she talked about it. She had learned to sign while singing. Her choir director was planning a trip to perform at a church in a nearby town and asked her to take the lead and stand out in front of the group, sing and sign for the audience. She was terrified.

Anna was shy and introverted with a sweet smile that broke me down into a puddle each time she shared it. Besides the smile, one thing that I most remember about Anna was her “Yeah, buts.” I was not a tutor to Anna, although I understood she was at Pace to get her grades up so she could return to public school. My job was to be a positive, supportive adult in her life, and I tried to build her self-confidence and exploration of that singing passion.

In the outdoor courtyard where we met, I asked her to sing for me, and she said, “Yeah, but I can’t right here at school.” When I asked her why she couldn’t go on the choir trip, she said, “Yeah, but I can’t leave my mom.” When I asked her to join me at my daughter’s choir concert at the high school she wanted to attend the next fall, she said, “Yeah, but I can’t.” (I’m not sure she had an excuse for that one, but it was just the first thing out of her mouth.)

I’m not trying to make light of the many barriers Anna faced that year and in her young life, but the first thing she said when hearing a suggestion to step out of her current reality was, “Yeah, but…” It made me sad. I started to recognize the many times we automatically put up that wall to block some possibility, new idea or helpful suggestion by another, just because we are afraid or feeling small.

We all have valid reasons why we can’t do things. Physical, time and monetary limitations and responsibilities make certain actions impossible. I get it.

But think about the phrase, “Yeah, but…” Say it out loud while shaking your head. Is that familiar to you? The feeling of defeat? For me a wall comes up and instantly puts me in a corner with few options for escape.

What if you flipped it? What if instead of, “Yeah, but…” you said, “Yes, and…”?

I love feeling the wind in my face whether biking or just standing outside on a windy day. (I may have been a bird in another life.) “I want to fly. Yeah, but I don’t have wings.” Saying that to myself shuts down any possibility of me ever soaring above the clouds or with the eagles or feeling the wind in my face at a different altitude.

But what if I said, “I want to fly. Yes, AND I don’t have wings.” Woah! Did you hear that? I’m not in the corner anymore. Possibilities start coming to me on how I can face the truth, but STILL have the opportunity to reach my dream. When I say, “Yes, and….” it’s now a challenge worth investigating.

I don’t have wings, but:

· I CAN parachute and fly.

· I CAN zipline and fly.

· I CAN hang glide and fly.

· I CAN ride in a hot air balloon and fly.

So many possibilities that would not occur to me if I held on to, “Yeah, but I don’t have wings.” It is TRUE that I don’t have wings. It is also true that I want to fly. Both can be true, but one is not MORE true than the other.

Here are some, “Yeah, buts” that I’ve heard. Can you see how the phrase shuts down any possibility, option or compromise for growth, exploration or movement toward a dream or desire?

“I want to start my own business, BUT I have a family to support.”

“I love my husband, BUT he but he makes me so angry sometimes.”

“I want to connect with others in a meaningful way, BUT I’m homebound.”

Can you see how these statements actually block any opening for a creative solution? Now go back to these and replace “BUT” with “AND” and see how the opportunities open up.

What are your “Yeah, buts”? What are you telling yourself is not possible or can’t happen? Where are you putting yourself in a corner and not allowing possibilities to appear?

Here’s your challenge: Flip your “Yeah, buts” to “Yes, and.” How does that open up ideas in your mind about what you CAN do?

I still have the poem Coach Pappas handed out one day at basketball practice, “The Man in the Glass.” He knew that it was up to us to make things happen in our lives and that it has a lot to do with our internal narrative and beliefs.