See and Be Seen

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

If you’re like me, you really don’t think about it much anymore.  In the morning I look up—yep, that’s me—put my head down, start brushing my teeth, never looking up again. Yes, I look at myself when I put on my make-up, but am I actually looking at myself? I’m looking at the evenness of how I put on my foundation. Looking for any stray, witchy-poo chin hairs. Did I put on enough mascara? Eyeliner? If I brush my hair one more time, will it poof out on top like I want? This is what I see.

But have I really looked at myself?

Author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins talks and wrote about what she calls “The High Five Habit” of looking oneself directly in the eyes in the mirror and giving yourself a high five. Listening to her describe this on a podcast episode, I rolled my eyes and thought, “That’s hokey.” But then I tried it.

The first time I looked in the mirror at myself—really looked into my eyes—I saw someone I almost didn’t recognize. I get teary-eyed just writing about it. Forget that I saw my mother’s eyes—that’s a whole different story and emotion. And forget the high five part—I didn’t even need to go that far.

There was this person in there that hadn’t been seen lately. A scared, vulnerable Tracy who feared being seen. A Tracy that needs compassion and a hug. Acknowledgement. Wow. I had forgotten about her.

Almost as scary, is looking other people in the eyes, directly into their pupils while talking with them. Not just a glance but a sustained gaze of 2-3 seconds. And not in a weird, creepy way, but in a compassionate, curious way. This gets uncomfortable, intimate and potentially misunderstood.

Many of us have a deep fear of being seen as unworthy and unlovable, a feeling we may not even recognize. We fear others seeing us as disgusting, repulsive, revolting, less than. When we see it in ourselves, we can acknowledge, without words, the yearning to belong, be loved, be accepted. When someone else sees us—unconditionally, compassionately—it starts to break the shell of that belief and helps us understand we are more, we are worthy, we are lovable. It opens up unconditional, nonjudgmental conscious interconnection with others. 

Have you ever experienced someone else actually seeing you via a sustained direct-in-the-eye gaze? It’s uncomfortable, it’s intimate, it’s a little scary. But you also feel seen, really seen, not just passed over for information or a service. It forces you to take a look at your own self because someone else just acknowledged you. It’s hard to put into words, but it changes you just a little. Are you okay with being seen?

I’ve been trying this out for the past couple of weeks with complete strangers as well as acquaintances and friends. The Publix cashier and bagger, co-workers, the guy at the bagel shop. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not easy. But quite satisfying—in a way, I feel like I’m making a difference in someone’s life. Weird, I know.

Seeing people as people, another human being in this world. Forgetting about the “doing” the transaction we are in together, forgetting about any prejudices and biases either of us potentially bring to the encounter, ignoring anyone else in the vicinity. Powerful.

Probably sounds hokey to you, too. But I triple-dog dare you to try it.

Try looking directly in your eyes in the mirror for a sustained five seconds. How does that feel?

With others you are in conversation with, look them directly in the eyes—look at their pupils—for a sustained 2-3 seconds while you or they are talking. How does that feel?

Not for the faint of heart, but for those who dare to connect with another at the most basic, human level.